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  “The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.”

  —Henry the Sixth, Part Two

  Not quite. Here’s to three of the good ones:

  Kenneth Swezey, David Wolf, and Ellis Levine

  “Reardon [is] behind his age; he sells a manuscript as if he lived in Sam Johnson’s Grub Street. But our Grub Street of today is quite a different place . . . it knows what literary fare is in demand in every part of the world, its inhabitants are men of business, however seedy.”

  —George Gissing, New Grub Street

  INCIDENT IN THE CLOWNFISH CAFÉ

  1

  They came in, hidden in coats, hats pulled over their eyes, two stubby hoods like refugees from a George Raft film, icy-eyed and tight-lipped. From under their overcoats, they swung up Uzis hanging from shoulder holsters and sprayed the room back and forth in watery arcs. There were twenty or so customers—several couples, two businessmen in pinstripes, a few solo diners who had been sitting, some now standing, some screaming, some crawling crablike beneath their tables.

  Oddly, given all that cordite misting the air like cheap champagne, the customers didn’t get shot; it was the owner’s aquarium, situated between the bar and the dining area, that exploded. Big glass panels slid and slipped more like icebergs calving than glass breaking, the thirty- or forty-odd fish within pouring forth on their little tsunami of water and flopping around in the puddles on the floor. A third of them were clown fish.

  All of that took four seconds.

  In the next four seconds, Candy and Karl had their weapons drawn—Karl from his shoulder holster, Candy from his belt—Candy down on one knee, Karl standing. Gunfire was exchanged before the two George Rafts backed toward the door and, still firing, turned and hoofed it fast through the dark.

  Candy and Karl stared at each other. “Fuck was that?” exclaimed Candy, rising from his kneeling position.

  They holstered their weapons as efficiently as they’d drawn them, like the cops they were not. They checked out the customers with their usual mercurial shrewdness, labeling them for future reference (if need be): a far table, the two suits with cells now clamped to their busy ears, calling 911 or their stockbrokers; an elderly couple, she weeping, he patting her; two tables shoved together that had been surrounded by a party of nuts probably from Brooklyn or Jersey, hyenalike in their braying laughter, all still under the table; a couple of other business types with Bluetooth devices stationed over their ears, talking to each other or their Tokyo counterparts; a blond woman, or girl, sitting alone eating spaghetti and reading something, book or magazine; a dark-haired woman with a LeSportsac bag slung over the back of her chair, who’d been talking on her Droid all the while she ate; and a party of four, girls’ night out, though they’d never see girlhood again. Twenty tables, all in all, a few empty.

  All of that ruin in under a minute.

  The Clownfish Café was nothing special, a dark little place in a narrow street off Lexington, its cavelike look the effect of bad lighting. A few wall sconces were set in the stone walls, apparently meant to simulate a coral reef; candles, squat and fat, seeming to begrudge the room their light, were set in little iron cages with wire mesh over their tops, their flames hardly flickering, as if light were treasure they refused to give up. They might as well have been at the bottom of the sea.

  Now the brightly colored fish, clown fish, tangs, angelfish of neon blue and sun-bright yellow, were drawing last breaths until the blonde who had been eating spaghetti tossed the remnants of red wine from her glass and scooped up some water and added one of the fish to the wineglass.

  Seeing this, Candy grabbed up a water pitcher, dipped up what he could of water, and bullied a clown fish into the pitcher. The other customers watched, liked it, and with that camaraderie you see only in the face of life-threatening danger, were taking up their water glasses or flinging their wineglasses free of the cheap house plonk and refilling them from water pitchers sitting at the waiters’ stations. The waiters themselves ran about unhelpfully; the bartender, though, catapulted over the bar with his bar hose to slosh water around the fish. Wading through glass shards at a lot of risk to their own skin, customers and staff collected the pulsing fish and dropped them in glasses and pitchers.

  It was some sight when they finished.

  On every table was an array of pitchers and glasses, one or two or three, tall or short, thin or thick, and in every glass swam a fish, its color brightened from beneath by a stubby candle that seemed at last to have found a purpose in life.

  Even Frankie, the owner, was transfixed. Then he announced he had called the emergency aquarium people and that they were coming with a tank.

  “So who the fuck you think they were?” Karl said as he and Candy made their way along the dark pavement of Lexington Avenue.

  “I’m betting Joey G-C hired those guys because he didn’t like the way we were taking our time.”

  “As we made clear as angel’s piss to him, that’s the way we work. So those two spot Hess in there, or they get the tip-off he’s there and go in with fucking assault weapons thinkin’ he’s at that table the other side of the fish tank, and that’s the reason they shoot up the tank?”

  “Call him,” said Candy, holding tight to his small water pitcher.

  Karl pulled out his cell, tapped a number from his list of contacts, and was immediately answered, as if Joey G-C had expected a call. “Fuck’s wrong with you, Joey? You hire us, and then you send your two goons to pull off a job in the middle of a crowded restaurant? No class, no style, these guys got. Walked in with Uzis and shot the place up. And did they get the mark? No, they did not; they just messed the place up, including a big aquarium the least you can do is pay for. Yeah . . .”

  Candy was elbowing him in the ribs, saying, “Tell him all the fish suffocated and died.”

  “And there was all these endangered fish flopping on the floor, some of them you could say were nearly extinct, like you will be, Joey, you pull this shit on us again. Yeah. The job’ll get done when the job gets done. Good-bye.”

  “We saw Hess leave through the side door. You’d think he knew they were coming.”

  “Jesus, I’m tellin’ you, C., the book business is like rolling around fuckin’ Afghanistan on skateboards. You could get killed.”

  “You got that right.”

  They walked on, Karl clapping Candy on the shoulder, jostling the water pitcher as they walked along Lexington. “Good thinking, C. I got to hand it to you, you got everyone in the place rushing to save the fishes.”

  The water was sliding down Candy’s Boss-jacketed arm. “Don’t give me the credit; it was that blond dame that did that. She was the first to ditch her wine. You see her?”

  “The blonde? I guess. What’d she look like?”

  Candy shrugged; a little wave of water spilled onto Lexington. “I couldn’t see her face good. She had a barrette in her hair. Funny.”

  “You didn’t see her face, but you saw a hair barrette?” Karl laughed. “Crazy, man.”

  They walked on.

  There are those girls with golden hair whom you half notice in a crowd. You see one on the outer edges of vision, in the people flooding toward you along Lex or Park or Seventh Avenue, blond head uncovered, weaving through the dark ones, the caps and hats, your eye catching the blondness, but registering nothing else. Then you find, when she’s passed, it’s too l
ate.

  A girl you wish you’d paid attention to.

  A girl you knew you should have seen head-on, not disappearing around a corner.

  Such a girl was Cindy Sella.

  Some of them would talk about it later and for a long time. The businessmen climbing into a cab, the girl with the LeSportsac bag, her Droid lost inside.

  As if there’d been an eclipse of Apple, a sundering of Microsoft, a sirocco of swirling iPhones, BlackBerrys, Thunderbolts, Gravities, Galaxies, and all the other smartphones into the sweet hereafter; yes, as if all that had never been; nobody, nobody reached for his cell once the fish were saved and swimming. They were too taken up with watching the fish swimming, dizzy-like, in the wineglasses.

  Nobody had e-mailed or texted.

  Nobody had sent a tweet to Twitter.

  Nobody had posted on Facebook.

  Nobody had taken a picture.

  They were shipwrecked on the shores of their own poor powers of description, a few of them actually getting out old diaries and writing the incident down.

  Yes, they talked about that incident in the Clownfish Café the night they hadn’t gotten shot, told their friends, coworkers, pastors, waiters at their clubs, their partners, wives, husbands, and kids.

  Their kids.

  —Way cool. So where’re the photos?

  —Remarkably, nobody took one.

  —Wow. Neanderthal.

  —But see, there were these neon-bright blue and orange and green and yellow fish, see, that we all scooped up and dropped in water glasses, and just imagine, imagine those colors, the water, the candlelight. Look, you can see it . . .

  But the seer, seeing nothing, walked away.

  NEW GRUB STREET

  2

  Cindy Sella walked along Grub Street in the West Village with a clown fish in a big Ziploc bag that Frankie had furnished when she’d asked whether she could keep her fish, the one she had saved, and take it home with her. Yes, he had told her, my pleasure.

  As many times as she’d eaten at the Clownfish Café, she could not remember coming across Frankie. He must have been there, somewhere behind the bar or in the kitchen or watching the fish, but she hadn’t been observant enough to see him.

  That was the difference between today and yesterday.

  She thought about the extraordinary episode at the Clownfish as she passed the stingy little trees set in their foot-square patches meant to beautify the streets of Manhattan. They were blooming thinly, their branches mere tendrils. She didn’t know what kind of trees they were. This, she thought, was shameful. If someone threatened to beat her with a poker until she named ten trees, she’d be dead on the Grub Street pavement.

  Cindy had decided she was one of the least knowledgeable people she knew. And she was a writer. How did she ever manage to create a book without the most rudimentary knowledge of basic facts, such as what this little tree was right outside the door of her building? What reader would want to place himself in the hands of a writer who didn’t know that?

  Didn’t she really know the names of ten trees? Apple cherry lemon orange peach banana. For God’s sake, if you were going to name fruit trees, any five-year-old could do it.

  Speaking of which, there was one sitting on the stoop of the row house right next door to her building. A five-year-old named Stella something. What was she doing out here at ten at night without her mother?

  “Stena!”

  Oh, there she was.

  “Stena!”

  Mrs. Rosini yelling from the doorway. Stena, not Stella, because Mrs. Rosini was adenoidal or perhaps had a cleft palate. You see, Cindy told herself, you don’t even know the difference between these physical maladies.

  Stella stood up and gazed at Cindy, who said, “Hello.”

  Stella stuck out her tongue.

  “Stena, get in here!”

  When Stella turned her back, Cindy stuck out her tongue, too. Then she entered her building.

  Cindy liked her apartment building. It was painted white and was only eight stories high. It was dwarfed by the new high-rise co-op across the avenue, which was all metal and glass, glass at odd angles so that the sun staggered around it, drunk with its own light, setting off knifelike reflections. The building ran unsteadily upward to thirty or forty stories. The higher it got, the more it became the sun’s broken mirror.

  The doorman, Mickey, caught the door as she pushed it. Mickey and his little mouse-brown terrier were standing guard. The dog was tiny enough to carry off in a spoon. With the light from one of the art deco–ish door sconces illuminating the dog, the little scene looked as if it were an illustration by Sempé. A New Yorker cover, surely. Sempé with his little cats and dogs.

  Cindy said hello to the doorman and bent and patted the terrier. It barked once, and its stubby tail wagged frantically.

  Mickey touched the worn shiny brim of his cap. His uniform jacket was not in the best of repair. “Miss. Was your evening full of laughter and music?”

  He couldn’t just say “hello.” No, he seemed to feel he had to make up these things.

  “Not unless you count gunfire in a restaurant music.”

  Naturally, he thought she was joking and snickered and held the door for her.

  In Prague or Marienbad or wherever he’d come from in Czechoslovakia, Mickey had been a dancing master—an improbably romantic occupation—and he missed it passionately, as he missed Prague (or Marienbad).

  Cindy was from a small town near Topeka, Kansas, where she had been not a dancing mistress but a cashier in a Walmart, which she considered the most soul-depleting job in the universe. At night, she took classes at a community college, among them creative writing. She had discovered she could write. Short stories, then a novel. Naively, she had brought her novel to New York. Then she went back to Kansas and wrote another one.

  After Mickey’s long good night that rivaled Raymond Chandler’s good-bye, Cindy stepped inside the elevator. It was always waiting as if it, too, had a tale to tell, and she rode, listening to its story of who’d gone up or come down that day before she landed at her floor.

  She walked on the generic beige carpeting, along the corridor painted in Calamity White (a person at Duron with a sense of humor) to her own rent-controlled—we will all get hammers and kill you dead—apartment. Having a rent-controlled apartment in Manhattan was far more dangerous than owing huge sums of money to Visa or the Mafia.

  Her cat, Gus, was sitting in the little entry hall, looking bored, waiting not for her but for some fresh hell. He blinked in his bored way, as if he’d been forced to listen to Justin Bieber all evening, until he saw what Cindy carried. He pounced.

  “Not so fast!” She’d raised the Ziploc bag quickly out of reach. She went directly to her kitchen cupboard and took down a big glass bowl some flowers once were delivered in, filled it halfway with tepid water, and carefully slid the clown fish, together with the old water, into the new bowl.

  Gus was up on the counter, his paw nearly in the bowl, until Cindy pushed him and he fell like a sack of grain.

  Cindy removed an armful of books from a sturdy shelf on the living room wall that was isolated enough from the other furniture that Gus couldn’t get to it. Tomorrow she would get a proper tank and maybe another fish; she could ask Frankie or someone at a fish supply place if a clown fish would be okay with a strange fish. She could always get a second clown fish, or the pink skunk was nice. Frankie had pointed it out in one of the glasses.

  Only now did she take off her down vest and her shoes and sink into one of the armchairs that matched the small sofa. They were all covered in a cream twill with dark brown piping. They came as a group, together with the glass and wood coffee table around which they “grouped.” (“Shame to split ’em up,” the salesperson had said, as if the sofa and chairs were three lost kittens.)

  Finally, Cindy looked around the room painted in Calamity White. Last year, when the halls were painted, she decided to paint her apartment and asked the jack-of-all-t
rades manager if there was a gallon left over, and could she buy it? He said he had two gallons that he’d let her have at a discount, or better, he’d throw the paint in for free if she gave him the job.

  The only reason she wanted the paint was because it was called Calamity, and looking at it now, she didn’t see what had invited the name. It was just another shade of white, “A Whiter Shade of Pale” was what she thought of, and she reached over to a little stack of CDs by her Bose unit. She sorted through them and put on that song, Joe Cocker’s version. She’d listened to several different singers and still didn’t understand some of the words, which she counted as a plus, for it made the whole song, mysterious enough as it was, even more mysterious. They were dancers dancing a fandango, then turning cartwheels. There was a story Cindy didn’t understand, involving a woman who was listening to a miller tell a tale, and her face “till then just ghostly, turned a whiter shade of pale.”

  Cindy didn’t think she had ever written a line, not a single line, that was as good as that line. It was a startling line, the way Emily Dickinson wrote startling lines, lines that hit you like a slap across the face.

  Gus was sitting beside her on the sofa, both of them looking at the fish bowl (for widely different reasons). The clown fish was proof of the events of the night. It had really happened. She thought that if she woke in the morning without her fish there, she’d put the whole thing down to dreams.

  The two dark-coated men who’d marched into the café must have been Mob guys. But they shot the fish tank, not the other two (probably Mob guys also) eating in the restaurant. The ones who’d pulled guns and probably saved the lives of the other diners. The first two hadn’t been aiming at the customers, either.

  “They tried to murder the fish,” she said to Gus, who kept his eyes on the bowl.